


Build me up, Buttercup

by charbubni



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 4/30/18 STILL PLANNING ON UPDATING, Cas is responsible, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel is a Sweetheart, Cowboy Dean Winchester, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Gabriel is a Little Shit, Gabriel is a vet, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Sam Is So Done, Stable Owner!Dean, This is going to be a long one, everything is fine, historian!cas, im fine, sammy knows, totally not stressing about updatng this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-09-27 13:10:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10022087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charbubni/pseuds/charbubni
Summary: Castiel Novak gets dragged around on his bother's farm calls all the time. Does he hate the procedures? Check. The long car rides? Check. His annoying brother thinking he has nothing better to do? Double check. Meeting the most handsome stable manager he's ever seen? Uh, he'll have to get back to you on that one...Meeting Dean Winchester seemed like a one time thing. It wouldn't be the first time Cas has met a pretty boy he can't have. But as their friendship-or, whatever it is that they have-grows, Cas isn't sure that he wants it to be something he can't have. He just wishes he knew if Dean felt the same way...





	1. Gabriel, Gabriel. Where for art thou, Gabriel?

"Gabriel, I have no desire to come with you. You realize that, right?"

Gabriel looked over at him, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. Castiel internally squirmed a bit at that, but kept his eye contact steady and unwavering.

"I know. But can't a guy be a little selfish sometimes?" Castiel rolled his eyes, not pleased with where this was going. It hadn't even been a week since he had moved here and been staying with Gabriel, and he was already being dragged along with his brother to his vet calls. Cas knew that Gabe loved doing what ever he could to help animals, but he also knew that sometimes the long commute from the vet's office to whichever farm he was going out to got lonely. That's where Cas came in; he could never refuse the puppy eyes that Gabe pulled, especially when his brother promised to repay him by doing something nice in return. Still though, Cas didn't particularly enjoy the farm calls. He hated seeing the animals so scared, but he tried not to think about that most of the time, focusing instead on the fact that they were helping them in the long run. He just needed to be along for the ride with Gabe.

"So...." Gabriel cleared his throat, and Castiel could tell that he was attempting to break the awkward silence that was the reason for him coming along in the first place. Cas took the hint, and looked over at Gabe, who was lazily driving with one hand on the steering wheel of the truck.

"So what exactly are you doing today, Gabriel?" Castiel asked, feigning curiosity.

"Well little brother, I'm glad you asked!" Gabriel always had been annoying when he wanted to be, and today was not an acception. Castiel fought the urge to roll his eyes, but Gabriel continued; either oblivious or he just didn't care.

"Today, we're going to be vaccinating horses!"

" _You_ ," Castiel corrected, and when Gabriel looked confused, he added " _You're_ going to be vaccinating horses, not _us._ "

Gabriel shifted uncomfortably in the chair, a slight grimace- _grin? Something-_ toying on his face. Castiel leaned forward in an attempt to meet Gabriel's gaze.

"Gabriel?" Nothing. " _Gabe,"_ This time Cas was firmer, and Gabriel's discomfort vanished, replaced my mischief.

"Nope. Us. I need someone to help hold halters and stuff..." He shrugged, trailing off as Castiel's jaw dropped.

"Gabriel! How could you expect me to agree to this? If you had requested this in advance, you know I would have declined." Castiel closed his eyes and let out a sigh. _Great._ "Why can't the stable owner help you?"

"Oh, he is." Gabe assured. "It's just that it's a more than two person job. You're the only other person I know that won't take a chunk out of my pay check for the extra help. Besides," Gabriel turned and winked at Castiel. "I think you'll change your mind when you see the stable manager."

Cas didn't even try to hide his eye roll this time.

 

\-----

 

After another half an hour, Castiel found his breath leaving his chest as they pulled up a long driveway into a beautiful facility. There was a small farm style house at the end of the driveway, and not far behind laid a large barn and some paddocks. Gabriel's truck bounced along the gravel, but Castiel hardly noticed. He was transfixed on the fields and spattering of trees that stretched on beyond the barn. It truly was beautiful, and it almost made up for Gabriel tricking him into coming along. _Almost._

Gabriel stopped the truck by the large barn, and hopped out. Castiel did the same. He waited by the passenger door as Gabriel went around to the truck bed and retrieved the supplies that he'd need. He turned to Cas and winked. "Ready to roll?"

Castiel scoffed, but followed dutifully as they entered the dim barn. It took his eyes a minute to get used to the lighting, and he blinked a few times in attempt to clear the dark spots the bright sun had left dancing across his vision. When he could finally see his surroundings, he noticed that ahead of him were four large rubber mats, a lead rope with a clip mounted on the wall in front of each. _Grooming stations,_ he thought. There was a figure standing next to a horse in one of them, which was where Gabriel was headed.

"Dean-o!" Gabriel said cheerfully. The figure turned, almost surprised, but a smile soon spread on his face.

"Doc Novak!" The man- _Dean, was it?_ \- wiped his hands on his jeans and shook Gabriel's hand. "Good to seeya, man."

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Why do you call me that? Doc Novak?"

The man smiled. "It rhymes. It's meant to be." He acted so matter-of-fact on this, and Castiel felt himself smiling, too. It _was_ kind of funny, even though he was pronouncing it wrong.

Dean looked towards Castiel. "And who's this handsome devil?" Castiel knew he was joking, but he couldn't help but blush.

"Oh, this is my little bro, Castiel. Castiel, this is Dean Winchester, he owns the stable."

Castiel opened his eyes in surprise. _This was the man who owned the stable?_ Cas couldn't help but think that he was a little young to have his own business, let alone with livestock. He looked to be in his late twenties, about the same as Cas, maybe even a year or two younger. Castiel smiled and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, Dean."

Dean gave a polite smile. "You too." Their hands stayed together for a bit longer than Cas had intended, and Gabriel coughed. Cas quickly withdrew his hand and looked down at his feet.

"Ok boys, now that you're done with..." Gabriel paused. "...whatever that was, we've got some work to do." He smiled, relishing in how uncomfortable he had made the two men.

Dean cleared his throat. "Uh...yea. We can start with my gal," He nodded his head over to the horse that was tied up, her head hung loosely as she munched on hay. She was pretty big, as far as Cas could tell. He hadn't been around that many horses in his life, so he didn't have much background knowledge to compare her to, but this horse was gorgeous. Sandy coat and black mane, darker towards her feet. She had a little white splotch on her forehead, and another on her nose. Castiel couldn't remember the names for all of the types of colorations that horses had, but he thought this one was called buckskin or something like that.

Dean easily moved around Castiel and Gabriel to the front of his horse. He stroked her face a few times, whispering something. Cas glanced over at Gabriel, unsure if this was something that most people did with their horses, but Gabriel looked unconcerned, so Cas assumed it was. He watched on as Gabe picked up his supply bag and set it down near where Dean was. Castiel started to walk over to where his brother had gone, but was stopped by Dean.

"Woa, dude, make sure you put a hand on her before moving behind. You don't wanna startle her and end up with a hoof in the gut." Dean patted his own stomach. "Learned that one the hard way."  Castiel stopped, startled, and nodded. He then rested a hand gently on the mare's side, leaving it there to trail along her back as he crossed to her other side and over to where Gabriel was. She flicked her ears back when he first put his hand down, but remained calm otherwise. Dean was almost smirking, and Castiel could feel the warm blush rising up the under the neck of his t-shirt, embarrassment setting in. Thankfully, the moment was broken by Gabriel.

"Alright. Looks like today she's due for annual vaccinations, and I'll check her hooves and teeth after that. The whole shebang." Gabriel dug through his bag, finding three syringes filled with medicine. "Ok, so the easiest way to do this, I'm thinking, will be for Cassie to hold her head, and Dean, you'll be on hoof duty. I won't be much use if she nails me." Gabriel winked, and Castiel swallowed. He hadn't realized how dangerous this was going to be, and he hoped that there wouldn't be many more horses to do after this one. He shuffled around, switching places with Dean and he took the horse's halter in his hands. There was a little metal plate on her cheek strap that read _Build me up, Buttercup_. He scrunched up his nose a little bit; he had never understood why some horses had such weird names. _Registered names,_ Gabriel had told him. He'd then tried to explain the process and reasoning to Cas, but he hadn't attempted to understand.

"Castiel? You with us buddy?" Dean peered around from near the mare's rump.

"What? Oh, yes, my apologies."

"Good, because if either one of you screws up and goes off into a daydream, it could cost me a lot more than the price of this medicine." Gabriel looked back and forth between the two men. "Ready?"

They both nodded, and Gabriel took the cap off of one of the syringes. Castiel tightened his grip on the mare's halter, and Dean readied himself near Gabriel. Gabriel stuck the needle into the mare's thigh, and then quickly jumped back. Dean's horse jerked her head up, squealed, and stamped one of her back feet into the mat. Cas left his grip on her halter, and Dean rested a hand on her side. "Easy, Buttercup," He mumbled. Gabriel inched forward and removed the syringe, then smiled.

"Round two, boys?"

 

\-----

 

A few hours and 13 horses later, all three men sat on Dean's front porch, drinking iced tea. Dean had insisted they stay for their help, and Gabriel had obliged. Cas watched as Dean rolled up the sleeves of his green flannel, fascinated. He'd never enjoyed wearing flannel himself, but Dean wore it well. _Really well,_ Cas thought. Dean looked up from his tea, and made eye contact with Castiel. Cas looked away, slightly embarrassed for having been caught staring. Normally he didn't mind eye contact. He was known for it actually, Gabriel always telling him that it was creepy. There was something about Dean though, how those green eyes seemed to pierce through him. Desperate to break the awkward silence, Castiel spoke up.

"So, Dean. How did you get into the horse boarding business?"

Dean set his tea down, swallowing with a satisfied sigh. "My old man. He owned the place when I was a kid, and left it to me in his will when he kicked the bucket five years ago."

 _Oh._ "I'm sorry to hear about your father." Castiel swallowed awkwardly, not sure what to say next. Thankfully, Dean filled the space.

"It's ok, we all saw it coming. My brother and I had been practically on our own our entire life anyways, our old man just a name on a legal document." Dean shrugged. "Sammy was in college when it happened, and somebody had to keep up the family business," Dean chuckled at Cas's discomfort. "Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. Probably woulda taken this place on anyways." Dean nodded towards the barn. "He left me his horse, too. You met Buttercup already, she was his before he, uh..y'know." Dean cleared his throat. "Anyways, he always told me he had plans for her. He bought her as a yearling, got her registered, everything." Dean smiled sadly. "He never got to show her off, though. She wasn't even five by the time he was gone, and she was mine." He shrugged.

Castiel looked over at Dean, who at that point had his head turned towards the paddocks. He looked so at home here, Castiel thought.

Dean licked his lips, then turned to Cas. "What about you? What do you do?"

"I'm a historian." Dean looked confused, so Castiel explained. "I work at the historical society in town, organize old records, try to make sense of what they might mean and how they might help us."

"Huh," Dean looked like he hadn't really been paying attention, which irritated Castiel slightly. "You'd get along well with Sammy."

"Pardon?"

"Sammy, my brother." Dean smiled, and the corners of his eyes crinkled up. It was cute. Castiel swallowed nervously. "He went to college for law, but he likes all that book stuff, too."

Castiel raised his eyebrows. " _Book stuff?"_

Dean laughed. "Yea, whatever."

They locked eyes, and Cas felt his heart speed up. Normally people strayed away from Cas's gaze, but Dean matched it, steady. It was making Cas crazy.

Gabriel, who had been surprisingly quiet for...well, Gabriel, broke the silence. "As much as I'd love to sit here and watch you two make heart eyes at each other, we should probably get going, Cas."

Cas watched as Dean blushed and turned away. "Uh, yea." He stood up hastily and shook both of their hands again. "Thanks Doc Novak. Thanks Cas." Castiel smiled, then walked over to his brother's truck. When he got in, Gabriel was leaned over into his personal space, smiling suggestively.

"I told you you'd like the manager."

Castiel scoffed. "Shut up, Gabriel."

He hoped his blush wasn't as obvious as it felt.


	2. All good things must come to an...uh....awkward end

Dean shifted around on his feet.

He tried on another shirt.

  
Took it off.

  
Tried on a different one.

  
Took it off again.

  
Dean sighed, pacing around in his little bedroom. He didn't know why this was so difficult. He'd had attractive friends before. Hell, he'd had gorgeous friends before. Why was this guy making him feel...different? He couldn't even place what he was feeling, that's how weird it was. Sure, he'd maybe felt this way, but only with girls. Never towards a guy before, let alone a guy he had met barely a week ago. Maybe it was just excitement at the prospect of a new friend.

 _I sure hope that’s all this is_ , Dean thought.

Gabriel had called him a couple of hours earlier, telling him that the blood work that one of his boarders had requested to be done was ready. Gabriel had told him that it wouldn't be an issue to mail it in to him, and that it would save him a trip, but Dean had politely declined. He wanted a chance to see Doc Novak's brother again. Dean knew that it was a long shot, and that _Castiel has his own job. Why would he be hanging around at his brother's office?_ However, he couldn't bring himself to chance the possibility that Cas would be there, and he would have just missed it because he was being rational.

  
Dean finally decided to just bite the bullet and wear a t-shirt. _A nice one, though_ , he thought. Inconspicuous. Casual. Nothing that screamed _I don't know why, but I want to see you again!_

Also, If Castiel wasn't there, It wouldn't give Doc the wrong idea. He could never tell if Gabriel was flirty or just weird, but he didn't want to risk it. That would make vet checks weird.

  
Dean shrugged on a jacket, grabbed his keys, and headed for the door before he could second guess the feeling of excitement that had settled in his gut.

  
\-----

  
  
The bell on the doorframe of the little clinic welcomed Dean as he stepped in. He wrinkled his nose, immediately hit by the strong scent of antiseptic wipes and other cleaning products. He peeked around the waiting room, looking for Castiel. No such luck. Dean sighed; it was exactly as he expected, but he was still a little bit upset.

Gabriel came from the back of the office out into the waiting room, smiling warmly at Dean.

  
"Dean-o! Glad to see you!" He sat down at the computer behind the front counter, which Dean was leaning his elbow up against.

  
"Hey Doc, how's it going?"

  
Gabriel sighed dramatically, not taking his eyes off of the computer screen.

  
"Long day, huh?" Dean half-smiled sympathetically.

  
"Tell me about it. I had to spay six kittens this morning, Dean. Six!"

  
Dean laughed, then held his hands up in defeat when he Gabriel shot him a death glare. Gabriel wasn't able to keep it up for long, though, giving in to the ever-present smile that he wore.

"And to top it all off, I told my brother to come over at 5 and I'd take him to dinner. I'm not even close to being done, and he'll be here any minute!"

  
That got Dean's attention, and he was about to say something when he heard the little bell tinkle on the door frame. Gabriel looked up at him "Right on schedule," he smirked.

  
Castiel came up to the front desk, nodding at Dean.

  
"Hello, Dean. Gabriel." Castiel looked slightly uncomfortable, eyes wide and his lips pursed. That didn't stop him from holding eye contact with Dean, though, and he practically shivered at the intensity of the other man's gaze. Dean broke away first, looking down at his feet.

  
Castiel didn't seem too bothered, though, and instead focused his attention to Gabriel.

  
"God, Cassie, why do you have to stare at people like that? It freaks me out," Gabriel exaggerated a shiver, pulling a laugh from Dean and a blush from Castiel, who looked away. He was cute when he blushed.

  
Dean frowned immediately at the thought. _What_?

  
"Anyways," Gabriel cleared his throat, concern creeping its way into his tone. "I don't think dinner's gonna fly tonight, little bro. I have too much stuff I need to take care of. Sorry."

  
Castiel's face fell a bit, and Dean felt sorry for him. He reminded him of Sam in that moment, wearing the same puppy eyes.

  
"That is...ok, Gabriel. I understand that you have an important job to do, and I'm not one to keep you from it." He nodded once at Gabriel, then at Dean. "I guess I'll be going then."

  
"Yeah,” Gabriel frowned, then raised his eyebrows. "Unless..." Slowly, he turned his head towards Dean, a grin growing across his face. _Uh oh_. Dean never liked it when Gabe looked at him like that; It made him want to squirm.

  
"Unless what?" Castiel asked, unsure of the exchange going on between his brother and Dean.

  
"Unless, Dean here would do me a favor and take you out to dinner instead tonight?"

  
Dean looked at Gabriel, shocked. Castiel looked like he'd just seen his dog get hit by a car.

  
"Um, I'm flattered and all, uh, but, I, uh-" Dean was cut off by Gabriel.

  
"Oh please, It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Cas just moved here, I was just going to bring him out and show him around. Help him get a taste for some of the restaurants in the area." Gabriel, ever so persistent, gave Dean a smile that packed a punch. He could tell that the subject wasn't up for debate anymore, so he sighed and tried for a smile. Cas looked terrified.

  
"Alright, but only because you give me a discount on my horses." Gabriel smirked, obviously pleased with himself. He handed Dean the paperwork of the blood samples, quickly explaining the charts and graphs, and sent them on their way.

  
"Oh and Dean?"

  
Dean turned quickly on his heels, Castiel nearly crashing into him.  
"Have him back by midnight." Gabriel winked. Dean rolled his eyes. Cas still looked terrified.

 

\-----

 

The drive in Dean's Impala was incredibly awkward. He turned on the radio to drown out the sound of Cas's shallow breathing, humming along to the song.  
"Any restaurants in mind?" Dean glanced at Cas long enough to search for a reaction, but briefly enough that he could still watch the road.

  
Cas shifted his weight around in the front seat. "Um...my apologies, Dean, but I don't know many restaurants in this area."

  
 _Oh_ , _right_. Dean felt like an idiot. "My bad...Hey, how do you feel about a good burger? There's a little bar called The Roadhouse not far from here. Great food."

  
Castiel nodded. "Alright. That sounds fine."

  
A few more awkward minutes passed, and Dean could have cut the tension with a knife. He hoped that the conversation would move along better once they were eating. Dean parked the Impala in front of the roadhouse, opening the door and stretching when he got out. His t-shirt rode up slightly, and he could have sworn he saw Cas glance at his hipbones. The moment was over quickly, though, and Dean wasn't sure if it had just been his imagination. Either way, he was sure to tuck his shirt into his jeans before they went inside.

  
"Hey, Ellen! Table for two?"

  
Ellen looked over at Dean from behind the bar, and she smiled.

  
"Hey boy, haven't seen you around here in awhile." She nodded towards Castiel. "Who's your friend?"

  
Dean blushed, immediately hoping that she didn't notice. "Ellen, this is Castiel, Doc Novak's brother. Cas, this is Ellen Harvelle, she owns the Roadhouse."

  
Ellen smiled at Cas, who still looked a little out of his element, but less nervous than before.

"Hello," he said, and attempted a smile.

  
Ellen stood there for a while, just smiling and looking between the two of them. Dean cleared his throat. "Um, Ellen?"

  
"Right, one table comin' right up. This way, boys."

  
Ellen led them into the restaurant part of the bar, past the pool table and old countertops. She sat them down and gave them menus, then hustled back into the kitchen, where someone was asking for her. Dean laughed; Ellen was always rushing around this place.

  
He turned his attention to Cas, who had begun to sift through the menu. Dean just watched him for a minute. What was it about Cas that made him feel so jittery? It wasn’t even like Cas was a huge presence, and he wasn’t that intimidating. Ok, maybe his eyes were, but he wasn’t even as tall as Dean. As far as Dean could tell, shouldn’t that mean he wasn’t so...nerve racking?  
Cas hummed, narrowing his eyes and pursing his lips. He looked up from the menu at Dean.

  
“Is...the burger here any good?”

  
Finally. Something Dean wouldn’t trip over his words about.

  
“Hell yeah, best burger in Lawrence. That’s why I brought you here, remember? If you ask Ellen, she’ll even throw some bacon on there for ya.” Dean smiled, hoping he he hadn’t sounded too enthusiastic. Cas twitched his nose once, then put the menu down.

  
“Alright, but if it doesn’t live up to the standards you have arranged, I will be disappointed.” Cas had a slightly playful tone to his voice, just enough to let Dean know that he was joking. Dean smiled.

  
Castiel looked like he was about to say something else, when Ellen came back over and cut him off.

  
“What’ll it be, boys?”

  
Dean cleared his throat. “Two bacon cheeseburgers. We’re gonna show Cas the best damn patty he’s ever had.”

  
Ellen smiled, jotted the order down on her notebook, then walked back towards the kitchen, clicking her pen.

  
“So Dean, I take it you know my brother quite well?” Cas looked genuinely curious, leaning in over the table slightly and putting his hands in his lap. The gesture caught Dean off guard; it seemed so easy, unlike the stiff conversation they’d had on the way to the bar. Dean wasn’t complaining though, and graciously took the opportunity to converse.

  
“Yeah, I guess you could say that. He’s been my go-to vet since...gosh, I guess it’s been since before the barn was even mine.” Dean smiled slightly, looking down at his silverware on the table. Cas remained silent except for a little hum of acknowledgement, and Dean second guessed himself about easy conversation. If he wanted to get any chatter out of Cas, he was going to drag it out.

The juke box was playing softly in the corner, and The quiet lyrics of Build me up, Buttercup came on. Dean smiled, leaning back in his chair. 

"Man I love this song. My old man did, too. Even named his horse after it." 

Cas briefly closed his eyes, as if trying to focus. Then, slowly, he opened them again. This time they were softer as he looked up at Dean. 

"Yes, that mare you told me about. You two did seem to have a...profound bond."

Dean nodded. "Yup. My dad was always jealous of that, she had a better handle with me than she ever did with him. I guess that's probably why he left her to me instead of going with the trainer he'd had her under." 

Castiel tilted his head slightly. "What was she being trained for?"

Now this was a conversation Dean could get behind. "He had her working towards barrel racing. She'd only just been broke when he started getting sick though, and the trainer was only working for my dad because he owed him a favor or something, so he quit after my dad died. I was left with a farm to run and a horse that barely knew what a saddle was, so I actually ended up doing most of her training myself." Dean paused and drank a sip of his water. "We've done a few shows together, nothing major, but damn, I've never seen a horse that wants it more than she does." He smiled, more to himself than because of Cas. "Sometimes I forget that she's an animal, it feels just like being with an old friend."

Dean stopped now, realizing that the song was over and Cas was staring at him. 

Cas was actually a really good listener, Dean thought. Sam always interrupted him, or got bored before he finished, and Gabriel....Gabriel was very playful. He never took Dean seriously and could have pointed out at least five innuendos by now. Not Cas, though. He looked genuinely interested in what Dean had to say. Dean watched as Castiel smiled, then looked down from Dean, blushing. It was starting to get awkward again, and Dean began to panic that he had shared too much. There was something about Cas that made him want to spill his whole life story. 

There's no way in hell that was going to happen, so Dean decided to run his mouth instead.

  
“So, Castiel. That’s a funny name.” _Oh god. Anything. I could have said anything and I chose that._ Dean mentally kicked himself before holding his breath, and waited for a response from Cas. Castiel, however, didn’t seem offended, and took a sip of his water. He set the glass down, licked his lips, and looked at Dean.

  
“Yes, it’s the angel of Thursday.” Cas explained it as if Dean had just asked what two plus two was. When he didn’t respond, Cas added, “I was born on a Thursday.” He then shrugged. “My parents already had four children, they were running out of name ideas.”

  
Dean laughed at that, tilting his head upwards as he did so. He heard Castiel laugh for the first time that night, and suddenly felt much more comfortable.

“Wow, four siblings then?” This time it was Dean who leaned in over the table.

  
“Five, actually. Four older siblings and one younger. My parents, they...had visions of a large, happy family, and I suppose many children was their idea of how to get it.” Castiel flicked his gaze up to hold contact with Dean, and Dean felt the blood draining from his face. If Cas noticed, he didn't care, and he kept the connection steady.

  
Dean meant to say something, he really did, but instead found himself lost. He felt like running and hiding, but he didn’t know why. Sure, Cas was difficult to talk to, but there was something that felt right when they locked eyes.

  
Dean sighed, feeling guilty about it, but being the first one to look away yet again.

  
Castiel shifted uncomfortably. “Um...Dean?”

  
“Hmm?”

  
“I may be wrong, but….it doesn’t seem as if you’re enjoying this very much.”

Dean just about spit his water out. No one had ever said that to him on a date before. Not outright, at least. _Date? This isn’t a date…_

  
“No, Cas, this is fine. I’ve just….I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now, and I wasn’t planning on a date tonight.”

  
Cas’s eyes widened, and Dean realized what he had just said. It was a second too late, though.

  
“No, I mean-” Dean tried for a laugh, but to no avail. “I mean, this isn’t a _date_ date, but, I, uh-”

  
Thankfully, Cas cut him off with a brief touch on the arm, causing Dean’s pulse to skyrocket.

  
“Dean, it’s ok. I know what you meant.” He withdrew his hand, putting it in his lap again. “But...Even if it was, I wouldn't mind.”

  
Ellen came back before Dean had a chance to sputter something out.

  
“Two bacon cheeseburgers, hot off the grill!” She smiled, setting the plates down.

  
Dean had his burger in his mouth as soon as the plate hit the table.

 

\-----

 

An awkward meal and some painful small talk later, Dean was seated in the Impala with Cas in the passenger seat. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, wanting nothing more than for this night to...he wasn’t sure. End? Maybe. It would sure be easier than whatever the hell had happened back in the roadhouse. On the other hand, despite everything that hadn’t happened tonight (conversation, ease, blah blah blah), Dean still felt intrigued by Cas. There was something about him that made Dean’s senses tingle, as if he was experiencing something new for the first time.

  
Cas spoke, interrupting Dean from his thoughts.

  
“Dean? I should probably get back home, I have work tomorrow and have to be up quite early.”

  
“Yeah, of course man.” Dean paused. “Uh, where do you live? As creepy as that sounds.”

  
Castiel shrugged, then gave him the address.

  
Dean squinted and his lips parted slightly. _Wait a minute, I know that place-_

  
“Isn’t that your brother’s house?”

  
Castiel suddenly looked embarrassed. “Yes. I’ve just moved here, and I’m staying with him until I can find a house or apartment of my own.”

  
Dean muttered a little, “Oh, ok. Makes sense.” He left it at that, unsure of what else to say. _Man, getting used to this guy is gonna be hard_.

  
He pulled out of the parking lot, listening to the soft hum of the radio. Castiel seemed content with silence, so Dean didn’t try to make conversation. He pulled up in the driveway of the cute little ranch style house that Gabriel had, nodding a curt goodbye to Cas. He was almost out of the car, when he turned around, sighing.

  
“Um, Dean.”

  
“Yeah?”

  
“About earlier. I apologize if I overstepped your boundaries by saying what I did about the,” He paused, “um, date thing. Regardless of that, thank you for tonight, you didn’t have to take me to dinner, but I’m happy that you did.” With that, he shut the door, and strode up the pavement to the front steps of the house.

Dean watched him go, unsure of what had just happened. He backed out of the driveway and into the street, still caught up in the events of the night.

 

Dean made it almost a full block before he pulled over.

  
He rested his head on the steering wheel, and it didn’t feel right. None of it felt right. Now would normally be the part of the date where he was invited in, pushed up against the wall, and-

  
“Damnit!” Dean threw his hand against the steering wheel, ignoring the loud protest that the horn gave off. _This wasn’t a date!_

  
He reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone. Sam. Sam would know what to do. Sam would know why he felt so mad about someone he had only just met. He had always been the brains of the operation, Dean was just a pretty face.

  
Dean waited as the phone rang once. Twice. Thr-

  
“Hello?” Sam sounded tired.

  
“Hey.” Dean’s voice was almost cracking, and he hated feeling so vulnerable.

  
“Dean? What’s wrong?”

  
Pause.

More silence.

"Um...Dean?"

"Can you come over?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's flow was terrible, it's as simple as that. Yea? Good! I wanted the writing style to match how awkward this whole....'not a date' was for Dean.


	3. Just Friends. Shut up, Gabriel.

It had been a week since Castiel's 'not date' with Dean Winchester. He replayed the events in his head, giving his brain something to do while he was at work.

The minute he had left the Impala and was safely inside, he had slumped against the door in defeat. Gabriel had come into the entry way, snacks in one hand and a grand gesture in the other. He'd had a snarky little grin on his face, but one look at Cas and it was gone, replaced by soft concern.

"That bad, huh?" Gabriel had said it more to himself, before shaking his head and retreating back to his room. Truth be told, Gabriel had never been good with heavier emotions. Laughter and jokes were second nature to him. Grief, regret, sadness- those were the emotions that Cas's brother had never been good at dealing with. Not even when they were kids.

Cas had picked himself up, brushed himself off, and disappeared into his own room, thankful that tomorrow was Saturday, and that he didn't have to go into work. It perfectly cleared his schedule for sitting around and sulking all day.

So yeah, maybe Cas was a _little_  upset about that night. But who wouldn't be? He had been with someone whom he had deemed interesting, funny, and probably pretty nice, given the chance. _And hot,_  Castiel added to his mental list. Not that it mattered now, though.

Attempting to bring himself back to the present, Cas tipped back on his chair and leaned his head against the wall of his small work space, sighing at the ridiculousness of it all. _Dean Winchester._ He mouthed the name, rolling it over on his tongue. God, he had messed up. Bad. He hadn't even gone into the night wanting anything from Dean. He would have been _perfectly fine_ with just being friends with Dean, not necessarily anything more. He didn't even know if Dean liked guys, and judging by how his little comment had gained him nothing but silence, he assumed that Dean didn't. But, since Cas _had_ opened his big mouth, any chances of Dean wanting to be friends with him now would probably be squelched.

"Hey, penny for your thoughts?" A high pitched voice shook Cas from his thoughts. Garth, his coworker, was leaning up against his desk.

"Oh, um, hello Garth. Just caught up in..." Castiel looked at his desk, frantically trying to think of something that he could pass off as being busy with sorting out. " just caught up in these old farming records." Cas attempted a smile, although he knew that it probably came out as more of a grimace. Garth irritated Castiel, and although he felt bad for the guy, and tried to be nice, sometimes it was difficult. Castiel was the only employee at the Historical Society that was friendly to him, so unfortunately Garth tended to get a bit...well, _clingy._

"Ah, is that so?" Garth bobbed his head up and down in acknowledgement. "Radical."

"Yes, I think so too." Castiel made eye contact with Garth, holding it a beat too long, even though he realized that. He wanted the conversation with Garth to be over, hoping that this would do the trick.

Thankfully, it worked. Garth waved, a bit too chipper for Cas's taste, then ducked back down the hall.

Castiel returned his gaze to his desk, settling on the farming records. He really _should_ get them organized in a format that would be usable, but that could wait. Today was a Thursday, and the workload was generally light towards the latter part of the week. When the center opened back up after the weekend, people dropped off records, maps, anything that they found in the attic of a friend of a relative twice removed (or whatever). At the end of the week though, they kind of trickled out, until the next Monday when they would find a stack of records or something at a garage sale. Then the cycle would start over again.

Cas wasn't complaining; he often found himself _stunned_ at the contents brought in. His all time favorite had been a set of newspaper articles that followed the strange events of several infants, all six months old. It had sent shivers down Cas's spine the first time he read through them, but now they resided behind glass in an exhibit at the town's museum.

Sometimes, his work was awesome. Other times, it was farm records.

Cas glanced at the clock above his desk, decided it was an acceptable time to take his lunch break, and grabbed his coat along with a small sack lunch. Cas spent most of his lunch breaks at Gabriel's office, as he often complained that _"The other vets are too serious, you're way more fun!"_. Cas was ok with that, though. He had a few friends at the Historical Society, but they mostly worked the shifts that started later in the day, meaning that their lunch breaks never aligned with Castiel's.

Cas parked his car in front of the little vet's office and shuffled up to the front door, hearing the familiar little _ding_ of the bell on the frame as he came inside.

He expected the office to be empty, as it normally was, but there was a very, _very_ tall man standing at the counter. Naomi, the receptionist, was helping him with something. Cas stood awkwardly for a minute before Naomi sighed, glaring up at him. Castiel shivered; that woman gave him the creeps.

"Castiel, your brother is in the back, finishing up an appointment. He will be out shortly."

Castiel didn't reply, ignoring the scoff that was sent his way. His eyes were trained on the tall man, whose head had snapped up at the mention of Cas's name.

The tall man spoke. "Castiel...Castiel Novak?"

Cas nodded his head, slowly. "My apologies, but," Cas narrowed his eyes, just slightly. "do I know you?"

The other guy blinked in surprise, then offered his hand out, seeming to have snapped out of a daze.

"I'm Sam. Sam Winchester."

Oh. _Oh._

Cas forced a smile, shaking Sam's hand. "Nice to meet you, Sam."

Sam looked him up and down. "Huh...you're shorter than Dean made you out to be."

Cas's heart skipped a beat at that. _Dean had been talking about him?_ Cas wanted to ask a million questions, but he refrained.

"Is that so?" It sounded choked when it came out. Sam didn't seem to catch it, though, although he did earn a sideways glance from Naomi.

Sam nodded eagerly. "He said that you helped with the horses a few weeks back?"

 _Right. The vet check._ Cas seemed to have forgotten that he'd actually had a pleasant interaction with Dean; the only one that seemed to have stuck was the horrible 'not date'.

Sam cleared his throat. "Yeah. He had also said something about you last week. Out on a date with a girl, I guess, called me drunk afterwards, muttered something about a 'Cas', then kicked me out practically as soon as I got there." Sam laughed, and Cas's gut wrenched at the thought. "I dunno, it was weird."

Naomi had finished up with Sam's papers at that point, handing them across the counter. Sam took them, and nodded a thanks to her. He slid past Cas towards the door.

"Um, anyways. Nice meeting you, Castiel. See you later, Naomi." The bell dinged on his way out.

Cas was too shocked to speak, allowing his jaw to rest ajar for a moment before remembering that Naomi was still behind the desk, eying him curiously.

She spoke carefully, way too polished. "Castiel, you've really got to stop-"

Cas cut her off. "Naomi, I'd advise against speaking to me at the present time." He slumped down into one of the small chairs, suddenly feeling dizzy. Gabriel appeared then, emerging from the door leading into the exam room. An elderly woman followed him, carrying a small Chihuahua. He waved a goodbye to her before she turned to the desk with Naomi, getting her bill. Gabriel grabbed Cas's arm, pulling him unexpectedly into the side office with a hint of urgency.

"Cas!" Gabriel hissed angrily. Cas cocked his head, confused.

"Gabriel? What's wrong?"

Gabriel huffed, closing the door. The room was small and smelled like antiseptic, and Castiel scrunched up his nose.

"Damnit, Castiel. What the hell did you do to Dean last Friday?"

Castiel swallowed. "I, um- I mean, we didn't _do_ anything, not after at least-"

Gabriel cut him off, squeezing his eyes shut. "Dude...ew! That's not what I'm asking! I mean, Dean wouldn't make Sam come to pick up his paperwork unless he was avoiding something." Gabriel searched Cas's face for any hint of recognition, but Cas wasn't sure what Gabriel was trying to get him to confess to. Gabriel groaned, throwing his head back in exasperation.

"Castiel, do you need me to spell it out? Dean is avoiding you."

Cas felt like the moisture was being sucked from his mouth. He nervously wetted his lips with his tongue. "Oh."

Gabriel's eyebrows shot straight up to his hairline. " _Oh?_ That's all you have to say? Look, man, I've left it alone as much as I could, seeing as I've been _dying_ to ask about this."

Castiel swallowed and looked down at his feet. He didn't want to talk about last Friday with _his brother_ of all people, but he knew that Gabriel wouldn't leave it alone until he spilled the beans. And, Cas supposed, Gabriel was the reason for the not-date anyways, which kind of gave him the right to know.

"It started out quite normal. But," Cas closed his eyes briefly. "Dean had slipped and accidentally called it a date. I didn't think, and it just slipped out..." Cas trailed off.

"And?" Gabriel demanded.

" _And,_ I told him that even if it had been a _date_ date, I wouldn't have minded. He became extremely quiet after that." It was Cas's turn to be quiet now.

Gabriel just sat there, confused.

"Why the hell would that freak him out that bad?" Gabriel's tone had softened now, changing to sympathize with Cas.

Cas shrugged, equally as confused as Gabriel. "I don't know. Gabriel, I don't know if he even likes men. I pushed him out of his comfort zone without knowing him well enough first. It was a stupid mistake." Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose. He wanted a drink.

Gabriel slammed the exam table suddenly, making Castiel jump. "You know what I think? I think Winchester needs to nut up, and not just _ditch_ you after Friday night. He should at least explain himself." Gabe took a deep breath, and when he spoke again, he was perfectly composed, any sign of anger gone. He gestured towards the waiting room, and grinned.

"Lunch?"

 

\-----

 

Castiel busied himself in his work for the next few weeks, which he didn't mind. Someone had dropped off a huge box of articles about the town's history of disappearances, and Castiel had eagerly accepted sifting through them. _This,_ he thought, _Is what I love this job for._

It was a Tuesday when Castiel got an unexpected visitor.

Cas had been completely absorbed in his work- only taking breaks for lunch and on the weekends. He was determined to find a connection with his articles to something, _anything_ that the center already had in the archives. He wanted to make a museum exhibit out of it, one that visitors wouldn't just throw a sideways glance at before moving on to the more hands-on items. Cas wanted this to _grab_ people's interests, the way it had grabbed his.

He was so focused that he didn't hear the service bell until the second ring. Frowning, he got up from his desk and moved towards the front counter. Not many people showed up in the middle of the day like this, and he hadn't received any calls that would tell him someone was dropping by.

Cas's heart froze when he saw who was standing there.

"Uh, hey Cas." _Dean._ Why was Dean here? Castiel swallowed nervously, then opted for a small smile. He had to remember that he was at work, and needed to act professional.

"Hello, Dean. What can I help you with?"

Dean dropped his gaze, scratching at the base of his neck. "Um, actually, I wanted to, uh, talk to you about something."

 _Uh oh._ This was it, where Dean was going to tell Cas that he had acted way out of line, and that Dean didn't want Cas coming along on any more vet calls to his farm. Maybe he was angry and wanted to yell. _Oh god,_ _Castiel hoped he wasn't going to yell._

Dean, however, didn't yell, but instead looked up at Cas again. "I'm sorry about before. I acted like a jerk."

Castiel could feel himself raising his eyebrows in surprise.

Dean continued. "I mean, I'm not like, homophobic or anything, and If I came off that way, well, then I suck." Dean was rambling now, clearly uncomfortable. "And, uh, Sammy said he ran into you and that you seemed like a pretty nice guy, and he's right, you are pretty nice, and I realized that I was a dick, and-"

Castiel cut him off before Dean could finish. "Dean, it's fine. You didn't have to come to apologize, and that's very nice, but I understand if you want me to keep my distance."

Dean looked confused. "Keep your distance? No, Cas, I don't..." Dean paused, and took a deep breath. "I, uh...I came to ask if I could make it up to you." Cas blinked. "As friends," Dean added quickly.

Cas was at a loss for words. This definitely wasn't what he was expecting.

"I'd like that, Dean." Cas could see Dean visibly relax, and he let out a breath as well, smiling weakly.

"Awesome," Dean said. "Uh, do you wanna come over for beers or something? There's a game on Thursday..." Dean trailed off, looking up at Castiel.

"Yes, I'd very much like that."

Dean grinned. "Cool. You can come over at around six?"

Castiel nodded.

Dean, still grinning, started back towards the door. "Alright. See you then, man."

Castiel watched him go, shocked at the exchange that had just occurred. _Huh. That wasn't horrible._ Castiel actually felt himself smiling, enjoying the warmth in his chest. _Just friends,_ he reminded himself. Dean wanted to be just friends. Castiel was ok with that, because as dumb as it sounded, he wanted to get closer to Dean. Even if he couldn't have him in the way that _he_ wanted, he was still fine with friends.

He stood there, shocked, for just another minute, and then went back to his desk. He had two options; he could finish the articles he was working on, or he could pester Gabriel for an hour. Opting for the latter, he cleaned up his desk and signed out early for the day, hopping into his car for the short drive to his brother's office.

Castiel parked in front of the building and went inside, thankful that the waiting room was empty. Naomi must have had the day off, because the only person behind the counter was one of the other vets that worked there.

"Hello, Chuck."

Chuck looked up, smiling. "Hey Castiel."

Castiel remembered Gabriel going off on a rant about Chuck once before, after a particularly difficult operation. He remembered Gabriel yelling over the phone, as It was before Castiel had moved to Lawrence. _"He's crazy! Chuck plays God, trying to decide which animals make it and which don't. We shoulda put her down, but Chuck said no. He wouldn't let me near her, and an hour later she was gone. We could have saved her a lot of pain."_

That was the part of the his brother's job that Castiel knew he wouldn't be able to do. He could hardly kill a spider.

Cas turned his attention to Chuck, repressing any distaste. "Is Gabriel here?"

Chuck nodded his head down the hallway, and Cas thanked him, slipping away. He walked to the desks just beyond the waiting room, where there were microscopes and test tube trays and a bunch of other machines that Castiel didn't know the names of. Gabriel was hunched over a stack of papers, reading graphs of some kind. He turned when he heard Cas, and groaned, feigning annoyance.

"You know, I _do_ have a job here, little brother."  

"Yes, I realize that, Gabriel."

"Then what are you here f-"

Castiel cut him off, his next words rushing out. "Dean Winchester stopped by the center today."

Gabriel's jaw dropped, purposefully over-dramatic. "Do tell."

"He has invited me over to watch a game. As friends."

Gabriel stuck out his bottom lip, pouting. "Just friends? Cassie," Gabriel waved his index finger in the air, and continued. "just friends is dangerous territory."

Castiel shrugged. "I'm ok with just friends, Gabriel, especially if this is what Dean wants."

Gabriel tsked. "You got it bad, little brother."

Cas could feel a blush creeping up his neck. He allowed himself to feel giddy with the crush for a moment, before he pushed it back down.

 _Just friends,_ he thought again. _Just friends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for sticking with me! I would love to hear what you think of it so far, and what you might want to see soon!


	4. Six o'clock? Tonight?

Dean hadn't realized the full repercussions of what inviting Cas over were until now.

It was Thursday morning, and he rolled out of bed to the loud alarm blaring on his nightstand. Dean sluggishly pounded snooze, reading the fluorescent red numbers on the screen. _5:30._ It was obscenely early, even for Dean's standards, but one of his boarder's horses had shown signs of bad laminitis recently, and Dean was following a strict schedule to keep her medicated. Once in the morning, once at night. He had to keep the doses twelve hours apart, and unfortunately, he had decided that six was a good time to do them. At the time, of course, Dean had done the first dose in the evening, not realizing that he would in turn need to be up and in the barn by six in the _morning,_ too.

Dean stumbled into the bathroom, finding his toothbrush and quickly scrubbing his mouth. As he meandered into the kitchen, he kept feeling like there was something nagging at the back of his mind, something important about today. _Let's see...today's...Thursday?_ Dean tilted his head, trying to simultaneously make coffee and think with his foggy morning brain at the same time. _Thursday, Thursday...what's so important about Thursday?_

It dawned on him then, that Thursday was the date he had set to have Cas over for beers and to watch a football game. Dean's chest seemed to tighten, but he reminded himself that he'd been very clear with Cas. Platonic beers and a platonic game. No need to panic. Dean also gave himself a mental pat on the back for choosing to have Cas over to watch the game. That way he wouldn't have to totally keep the conversation going, and could allow the silence to settle in favor of training their eyes on the television set.

Dean hurriedly poured himself a cup of coffee as soon as the little machine beeped, grabbed a sweatshirt, and headed out the back door towards the paddocks. The August heat was demandingly hot during the day, but in the morning like this, when the sun was just starting to creep up over the fields, it could be a bit chilly. Dean wrapped himself slightly tighter in his worn zip-up, and navigated his way into the tack room.

The tack room was a small nook, so to speak, nestled into the side aisle of the barn. The whole farm had once been a dairy operation, but Dean's father, John, had converted it to fit his and his horses' needs. This being said, the tack room looked slightly newer inside than the rest of the barn, but the wear and tear of years of use had still done a toll on it. Dean easily snuck in, careful not to trip on feed bags and grain scoops. He opened up a grain bin labeled _Margie_ _,_ scooped a small amount into a bucket, and added a little plastic baggie of medicine and supplement that Margie's owner had left with Dean. He then tossed her little blue halter over his shoulder, exiting the tack room and trekking to the paddocks.

Dean reveled in the cool air of the morning, the absolute quietness and serenity. He closed his eyes and filled his lungs with the sweet smells of hay and last night's rain that were around him. He loved it here, on his farm. There was something about it that just put him at such peace, something that he couldn't explain. Not that he would ever admit this to anyone, as Dean had a strict  _no chick-flick moments_ policy. Sometimes he wondered if other people felt the same way about their homes, or if it was just Dean. Maybe there was something so _special_ about this place that Dean was the only one who got to experience it. He secretly hoped that it was the latter, the idea of his own little sensation making him feel giddy and smug.

Dean passed several paddocks before reaching the one that Margie was in, all the while gaining lazy looks from tired horses who hadn't quite woken up yet. Benny, his main stable hand, would be over in a few hours to do morning chores, and by then the horses' attitude shift would be a tangible thing. Feeding time excited all of them, even the few senior horses that resided here.

Dean smiled at the thought, and whistled to Margie from the gate of her paddock. She shared it with two other mares, all three standing lazily under their shelter. Margie craned her head around, eyes settling on Dean, and she nickered while walking up to him. Dean scratched her behind the ear for a minute before offering her the grain. The other two horses seemed uninterested in the exchange happening, so Dean didn't need to use the halter and take her out of the pen. He had learned when he was a kid that horses were pretty pushy when it came to food, and no doubt Margie would get shoved around had her stable mates decided that they wanted some of whatever Dean had in his bucket.

Lingering a bit longer against the cool metal of the gate to make sure that Margie had licked the bucket clean, Dean let himself think about Castiel for a moment. Blue eyes, messy dark hair, _impossible_ to read. That, Dean had decided, is what made him feel so uncomfortable around Cas. It wasn't like Dean wore his heart on his sleeve or anything, but he'd like to think that he at least gave  _some_ feedback with his facial expression, and not just stare at the other person.

Sighing, he rubbed Margie's ears and moved back the way he had come, towards the paddock that held his two horses and Sam's gelding. Buttercup, always so intent on what happened around her, whinnied when she saw Dean approaching, and he smiled. His other horse, Zeppelin, raised his head and nickered. Zep was getting old, and didn't have the same pep in his step that Buttercup did anymore, but Dean hardly even noticed most days.

Zeppelin had been his first horse all on his own, and he would always be special to Dean for that reason. His dad had given him to Dean as a present on his fourteenth birthday, and Dean could hardly believe it at the time. His own horse, not his dad's, not his trainer's, and Dean had fallen in love him the first time he'd laid eyes on the big white beast. Dean didn't ride him as much nowadays; Zep was in his twenties, and although he hadn't run into many health problems besides the occasional bout of arthritis, Dean didn't want to push it. They mostly went out on lazy trail rides, saving Dean's training and work energy for Buttercup.

Sam's horse, Riot, hung back slightly. Even though Riot saw Dean more often than Sam, as Dean was the one who did afternoon chores most days, Riot would never have the same attraction to Dean as Buttercup and Zeppelin did. There was something to be said about the bond between a rider and their horse, although Dean couldn't ever find the words to describe it.

"Hey you guys," Dean spoke softly as his horses came over to the fence, greeting him with soft lips and warm breath. He reached in his back pocket and pulled out a carrot, breaking it up and giving them each a piece. Riot snapped his head up at the sound of munching, and the huge dapple moved shyly over to the fence as well. Dean chuckled, giving him a piece as well. The bond between a horse and rider was easily forgotten when you had carrots.

Dean wiped his hands on his jeans, hung Margie's bucket and halter up in the tack room again, and climbed the path back up to his house.

Dean sat at his counter, drinking coffee and eating a bowl of cereal. A little shiver of excitement ran down Dean's spine, and he repressed a grin, because in less than twelve hours, Cas freaking Novak would be sitting next to him, drinking a beer, watching the game with him. In a totally, _totally_ platonic way. Dean smiled, having convinced himself that the nervousness he felt alongside that excitement was normal for someone waiting to hang out with their friend. Dean closed his eyes, drinking in the feeling of the soft morning sun.

_Yeah. Totally normal._

 

_\-----_

 

Dean awoke from his nap to the sound of his front door opening.

Jolting upright, he flailed his arm out, knocking his now-cold coffee off of the table next to the couch. He cursed momentarily before running into the kitchen to grab a towel, nearly crashing into Sam as he did so.

"Whoa, Dean, no hello first?" Sam ducked out of his brother's way, teasing. Dean, rifling through a kitchen drawer until being satisfied with an old hand towel he had found, rushed back into the living room to mop the coffee up from under his couch. He sent a silent prayer of thanks that he had redone this room with wood floors, and the coffee came up easily.

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, Sammy." Dean smiled at his brother, then paused before tossing his soiled towel in the sink. "Um...Why didn't you knock?"

Sam tilted his head. "I did. You didn't answer, so I figured you were probably sleeping."

"Y'know, some people _don't_ come in when the door doesn't open. That's the whole point of knocking. What would you have done if you had walked in and..." Dean paused, regretting ever starting this sentence. _Dammit, how do I climb outta this hole I just dug myself?_ "...and I was doing....something." _Smooth._

Sam snorted, eying Dean skeptically. "Oh please. We shared a wall when we were kids, I've been exposed to enough that _knocking_ isn't a concern anymore."

Dean blushed, proceeding to throw the nearest object on the counter at his brother. Luckily for Sam, that object was a wadded up napkin. Sam laughed, feigning a fatal wound from where the napkin had touched him.

Sam pulled out a chair at Dean's counter, sitting down and lacing his fingers together on the granite top. Dean pulled out his own chair and sat next to Sam, a little wave of nostalgia washing over him.

"It feels like we never get to do this anymore." Dean looked over at Sam, and saw him nodding in agreement. Sam was prepping to go to law school, and Dean wanted to relish in the remaining moments of this precious summer for as long as he could. As soon as the next school year would start, Sam would ship back to California and study... _Law? Strategy?_ Dean wasn't entirely sure of what Law School consisted of, other than it would be taking his brother away from him for the next three years. Sam had assured Dean that he would still come home for holidays, and maybe even the summer, but it wouldn't be the same. Dean knew that from the end of this summer to Sam graduating, he would be busier than ever.

"Yeah. We used to sit around all day here as kids, never knowing what to do." Sam chuckled. "Man, wouldn't it be nice if that were still the case."

Dean hummed his agreement, yawning the remaining sleepiness of his nap away. "So, I'm sure you didn't come here just to sit around like we're having _a moment-"_ Dean put finger quotes on the words, "-in some chick flick, did you?" He let his smile tug at his lips, letting Sam know that he was half joking.

Sam tipped his head back, sighing dramatically. "Can't a guy just stop to see his brother? Actually yeah, though, I was going to take Riot out on a little ride. God knows I've been so busy lately, but I feel bad for not spending as much time with the poor guy as I used to."

Dean grinned. "Want some company? Zep could use a good stretch." Sam's face lifted at that, and he nodded eagerly. It was such a routine look on Sammy, one that Dean had been seeing ever since they were kids. Sam had a face that was just _meant_ to be paired with excitement.

They worked their way down to the paddocks and brought their geldings in, Buttercup huffing and whinnying indignantly at being the only one left in the pen. Dean gave her a bite of an apple, though, which calmed her down effectively, and soon they were in the barn, grooming and tacking up. Dean enjoyed spending time with Sammy like this, just the two of them, their horses, and the quiet of the country. He felt like moments like these were the little secrets that they kept from the world, the little things that would forever be just _theirs._

They had been out on their trail ride for nearly twenty minutes, allowing Zep and Riot to graze every once and a while, when Sam finally spoke, breaking the silence.

"Hey Dean?" It was tentative, a bit unsure. Dean almost missed it, and Sam cleared his throat after a beat.

"Oh, uh, yeah?"

"I never did ask you about what happened a few weeks ago." Dean must have looked confused, because Sam continued. "It was a Friday? You drunk-called me, then shut me out?"

 _Of course. Of course Sam wanted to talk about this, it was only a matter of time._ Dean groaned internally, then sucked in a breath. Sam wasn't done though, and the next time he spoke it was more careful, laced with concern.

"I don't know, Dean. You just seemed..." Sam paused, and Dean held his breath. "You just seemed really... _scared_ when you called." Dean's heart wrenched. He knew he shouldn't have called Sam, and he wasn't sure why it had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Sam wasn't done, though, as if he _wanted_ to make Dean feel guilty. "Um...It's probably not my place, but I just wanted to make sure everything was ok with you. Bad dates suck, I get you there, but I couldn't shake one question." Sam was talking faster, losing his confidence that he'd had when he began the conversation. "Just...why were you saying something about Castiel?"

Dean was silent. He could feel himself tensing, and Zeppelin in turn stopped grazing, affected by the shift in the mood.

"Sam, it was nothing. I screwed up with my-" Dean swallowed before saying his next word. "- _date_ that night, then ran into Cas afterwards." Dean felt guilt rising up tightly around his throat at telling the lie, but he still wasn't ready to confront what had happened that night, not even with himself. Let alone his _brother._

Seemingly satisfied with Dean's answer, though, Sam let out a breath, chased by a shaky smile. "Oh. Ok, man. Hey, sorry your date didn't work out, though. I can try to set you up with another girl sometime soon." Sam spent another half a second looking at Dean, then he trained his eyes up to the path in front of them. "Race you to the top of the hill?"

Dean grinned, glad to have moved on past the awkwardness that had hung above them moments ago. "Oh, it is _on,_ sasquatch."

The words had hardly left Dean's mouth before they took off up the path.

 

\-----

 

By the time both Dean and Sam had returned to the barn, untacked, and brushed down their horses, it was nearly 4:30 in the afternoon. Dean glanced at his watch, cursing. Cas would be over in a little more than an hour, and Dean still had to tidy up his house. Sam looked up, confused.

"What's wrong?" He shouldered Riot's halter and turned with Dean to return it to the tack room.

"I told Cas he could come over and watch the game tonight, didn't realize we were out on the trail for so long."

Sam shrugged, apparently deeming it as not a big deal. "So? Cas is a cool guy, he'll probably understand." Dean frowned. Sam was right, he realized, and the thought put him to ease a bit. He still wanted to make sure that he had time to shower, though; he didn't want Cas to have to deal with Dean smelling like sweat and horses all afternoon. The two brothers passed paddocks to reach the barn, and Dean saw Margie out of the corner of his eye.

 _Shit._ He had totally forgotten that he needed to do her medicine at six, the same time Cas was coming over. Dean chewed his bottom lip, hoping that Cas would be a little late, giving him time to finish up with the task.

Dean, of course, had no such luck.

Cas rang his doorbell ten minutes early, Dean scrambling to open the door while attempting to pull on his boots. "Hey, Cas!"

"Hello, Dean." Castiel looked at him, face stoic besides a small crinkle at the corner of his eyes. It made him seem less emotionless, though, which Dean was grateful for.

Dean pulled on his boots fully, stepping out to join Cas on the front step. He looked Cas up and down; Cas was wearing a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and dark wash jeans. Dean let a little sigh escape from his chest when he saw how the fabric was pulling at Cas's shoulders. He quickly repressed it, though, feeling the familiar little panic alarm that he'd had the first time they had done something together.

"Um, listen Cas, I gotta run down to the barn real quick to give one of my boarder's horses some medicine, you're welcome to make yourself comfortable inside. I'll be back in like, ten minutes."

Cas tilted his head. "Is it ok if I come with you?"

Dean swallowed, and hoped that Castiel hadn't noticed the audible click. "Yeah, man, as long as you don't mind getting your shoes a little dirty." Cas looked down at his feet, eying the dress shoes.

"It will be fine, I can always clean them." Castiel smiled at Dean. _Ok then._ Dean raised his eyebrows, hummed a little sound of acknowledgement, and started out towards the barn, Castiel following him.

Dean had felt stifled by Cas's quietness before, but now it was comforting. He dutifully followed Dean into the tack room, out to the paddocks, and over to Margie. Dean _did_ have to take her out this time; without the morning haze, her stable mates were up in Dean's face, pushing and shoving. Dean made a harsh shushing sound, and the two backed off long enough for him to get the little chestnut mare out.

Cas watched him the whole time, fascinated. He spoke, quietly, for the first time since the house.

"They really seem to respect you." He motioned with his head to the two horses waiting at the gait, watching as Margie ate.

Dean laughed. "Yeah, after being around 'em your whole life, you learn some tricks pretty quick so you don't get pushed around."

Castiel nodded thoughtfully, then settled his gaze on Margie. Dean watched the exchange. "You can pet her if you want, Cas."

Cas looked up at Dean, almost surprised. He inched closer to the mare, then carefully placed a hand on her neck, rubbing in small, gentle circles. Margie let out a big sigh, and Castiel smiled. Dean couldn't help but do the same. It was such a simple exchange, but Dean wanted to remember the look on Cas's face for a very, very long time.

They finished up at the paddocks, and returned to the house for Dean's promised beers. Cas sat down at Dean's counter, looking around.

"You have a beautiful home, Dean." Dean blushed, feeling embarrassed by the compliment.

"Thanks, Cas. My dad practically gutted out the whole inside of the house when he and my mom first moved in, then he rebuilt it all from scratch." Dean wasn't sure if it was possible, but Cas looked even more impressed after that. He grabbed two beers from the fridge, handing one to Cas. Cas opened his and took a small sip, then set it down on the counter. Dean walked around and sat down next to Cas, setting his own beer down as well.

Dean didn't want to risk the awkward silence they'd had before, and the game didn't start for another twenty minutes, so he cleared his throat. "So, you said you moved here recently, right?"

Cas nodded, eyes trained somewhere ahead of him. "Yes, the old museum that I worked for shut down, and I came here looking for a job. Gabriel had said that the historical center here in town was looking for employees, so I thought I'd apply." Castiel looked over at Dean now, blue eyes piercing him.

"Oh, that's pretty cool. The historical society here _is_ pretty neat. I used to take my brother there all the time when we were kids." Dean smiled when he saw interest spark in Castiel's eyes, mentally patting himself on the back.

"That was very nice of you to take your brother places, Dean. Gabriel used to do the same for me when I was younger, and I still remember how grateful I was." Castiel seemed genuine, but Dean felt a little squirmy under the compliment. Cas licked his lips, wetting them, and Dean's breath hitched in his chest. He distracted himself quickly by asking more questions about Cas's family, and soon learned that he had four brothers and one sister. His older siblings were Michael, Rachel and Raphael (twins), and Gabriel. He had one younger brother by several years, Samandriel. Castiel told Dean that he suspected Samandriel had been unintentional, and Dean laughed.

"Why is that so funny?" Cas looked confused, but a smile played at the corner of his mouth. Dean waved his hand, still regaining his breath.

"It's not, man, just the way you said it." Dean straightened up, and put his shoulders back. Dropping his voice to mimic Cas's, he repeated, "I believe that Samandriel was unintentional, though." Dean collapsed with giggles after that, relieved when Cas let out a chuckle himself. Dean eventually regained his ability to speak, and said, "No really dude, a big family sounds exhausting. I can hardly put up with _one_ brother."

Cas smiled, looking down and fidgeting with his hands. Dean felt his face heating up, and that unidentifiable feeling rose up into his chest again. He let it stay this time, though, trying to decipher what it was. It felt like...Dean's heart sped up. _No,_ he thought. _It can't be a crush. I'm not into guys._

As the evening continued, though, Dean had a harder time convincing himself.

He caught himself staring at Cas's back, his chest, his face. He found himself subconsciously scooting a bit closer when they sat down to watch the game. He felt himself fidgeting when they were next to each other, if only to keep his hands to himself. Dean wasn't sure if Cas noticed, though, and he didn't know if that made him relieved or upset. Dean bounced his leg nervously, and nearly had a heart attack when Cas reached a hand out and stilled it. Cas hesitated a moment before pulling his hand away, and Dean felt like he was 16 again, nervous and hysterical with the touch.

When the game was finally over, it was dark outside. Cas had only had two beers, but Dean was pretty sure he was a lightweight, and asked, "You good to drive?"

Castiel nodded, and stood up from the couch, stretching his hands above his head. Dean, still sitting down, was just inches away from where Cas's shirt hiked up, and he had to tear his eyes away. Cas's hip bone jutted out, and it was making Dean crazy. He had the sudden urge to touch Cas, just to make sure he was real. To make sure that what Dean was feeling pool in his chest and stomach was real, because everything just seemed too _surreal_. Dean felt an underlying panic nagging him, but he refused to let it take over while Cas was still there.

Cas moved towards the door and Dean followed, handing Cas his coat.

"Uh, this was fun, Cas. Thanks for coming over." Dean smiled, feeling raw and vulnerable under Cas's gaze. He hoped with every ounce of his being that Cas wasn't reading his mind, figuring out why Dean had been acting so strange.

If he could, though, Cas showed no such sign, and instead smiled back at Dean. "Me too. We should do it again sometime."

Dean remained frozen, just watching Cas breathe. "Oh!" Dean pulled out his cell phone, handing it to Cas. "Do you maybe wanna put in your number?"

Cas smiled, taking the phone and in turn giving his to Dean as well. When they finished, Cas took a step towards Dean, then hesitated, seemingly thinking better of it. "Goodbye, Dean. I'll see you later."

Dean watched Cas get into his car, and waved once more as he drove away. When the roar of the engine had faded out, Dean returned to his couch, sitting down with a sigh. He put his head in his hands, leaning over. The couch smelled like Cas, which only confused Dean more, because he _liked_ the way Cas seemed to linger on the fabric. He liked Cas, and he liked spending time with him. Dean twitched his nose at his next thought. _He wouldn't mind kissing Cas._

Dean blinked, angrily rubbing at his eyes. _I'm not gay,_ he thought, but the words seemed so empty. Dean didn't want to, wasn't  _ready_ to entertain that idea yet. He fell asleep on the couch, half hoping that he would wake up to find that this had all been a bad dream. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I'd like to give a big thanks to my friend @aprilbird for helping me to catch my mistakes every chapter! :)


	5. Ain't nobody want this more than me

_Ding ding ding!_

"I'm coming, please hold just one moment!" Castiel hastily threw down his articles that he had been working on, rushing to the front desk of the Historical Society in order to silence whoever was ringing the service bell. He shuffled past cubicles, slowing down when he rounded the corner into the main office to see Gabriel standing there, a smug grin placed firmly on his face.

" _Cassy,_ I didn't see you come home last night, was your _date_ that well received?" Gabriel shrugged his neck up, mocking little kissy-lips at Cas. Castiel rolled his eyes, annoyed.

"No, I came home, but you were already asleep. I didn't want to wake you." Gabriel's neck un-shrugged itself, but the smirk still remained. Castiel elaborated, "And before you ask, _no,_ nothing happened. It wasn't a date, and I'm...I'm pretty sure he's straight."

Gabriel's smirk faltered, this time opting for a sympathetic grimace. "Well, did he say anything to confirm that?"

Castiel tilted his head back in thought, trying to remember as many details from the past night as he could. He opened his mouth to speak again, but this time it was slower, more thoughtful so Gabriel wouldn't jump to conclusions.

"Not necessarily, no. But he didn't say anything to deny it, either." Castiel stopped talking and narrowed his eyes, looking across the counter at his brother. "Don't you have a job you should be doing?"

Gabriel huffed and crossed his arms. "My morning appointment cancelled, the lady couldn't find her cat. So." He gestured around himself with his arms. "Here I am."

Cas sighed, craning his neck to look back down the hallway from which he had come. He didn't want to talk with his brother about his date- not date?- with Dean, and needed to think of an excuse to disappear again.

"Well, _I_ actually have work that I need to do, if all you came to do was bother me about Dean. If you'll excuse me, Gabriel."

Gabriel dismissed himself, making sure that Cas knew he would _'have to give up all the juicy details when he got home'_ , and then exited, leaving Cas to his own thoughts. He meandered back into his cubicle, sitting down at his desk with a loud exhale. Gabriel had a point, actually. Dean hadn't specifically disclosed if he was straight or not, and for a second last night, Cas had almost tested it out. He had been _this close_ to kissing Dean, right before he had left, standing on the other man's porch, but he had drawn himself back at the last moment. Cas half wished he _would_ have kissed Dean, just to see if he would have kissed back. It was too risky, though; Cas had already almost lost Dean's friendship to a skewed comment. If that had driven Dean away, there's no doubt a kiss would have done so, too, most likely for good.

Cas's phone buzzed in his back pocket and he fished it out, curious as to who could have texted him. His heart fluttered a bit when he read Dean's name on the screen.

_[Dean] -Hey, Cas. How's it goin?_

Castiel just stared at the small letters for a moment, opening and closing his mouth, blinking more times than necessary. He slowly texted back his reply.

_[Sent] -It is going well. I am currently revising articles of bank transactions. Yourself?_

He chewed his lip, anxious for Dean's reply. The quick turnaround of a vibration for Dean's text made Cas jump.

_[Dean]- That sounds pretty boring, if you ask me. I'm doing great, starting training with Buttercup again._

Castiel twitched his nose, surprised at the lack of 'txt tlk' that Dean used when he sent messages. It was infuriating to text Gabriel, who seemed to have opted for 'If it's a vowel, leave it out', but Dean was doing nothing of the sort.

_[Sent] -Interesting. What do you mean by training?_

Three little ellipses appeared, showing that Dean was typing his response. Cas felt more anxious when they disappeared, but Dean's answer finally came up.

_[Dean]- Wanna come over and see?_

Castiel signed out of work quicker that he'd ever done before.

 

\-----

 

Cas pulled up into the gravel driveway that led to Dean's farm. He remembered Dean's text, telling him to meet up in the big arena near the barn they had been in when Gabe and Cas had come over for the vet check. He noticed for the first time a little sign next to the address by Dean's mailbox, and it read _The Gaits of Heaven._  Cas frowned at the misspelling of the little sign, and made a mental note to ask Dean about it later.

He parked by the barn and tentatively walked inside, not entirely sure how to reach the arena. Luckily, Dean was still fiddling around with something on Buttercup's saddle in the barn, sparing Castiel the need to try and find the arena by himself. Cas smiled.

"Hello, Dean."

Dean whipped his head up, startled, then breaking into a huge grin. "Hey, Cas! Glad you could make it."

Cas's stomach did a little flip, and he just stood there for a moment. Dean seemed unsure as well, because he looked like he was going to say something, then refrained. Castiel finally remembered about the sign, and decided to break the silence by asking about it.

"Why is 'gates' spelled wrong?"

Dean looked confused. "Huh?"

"Your sign, _The Gaits of Heaven._ Why is 'gates' spelled wrong?"

Castiel watched as Dean slowly started to smile, realizing what Cas was talking about. "No, it's not spelled wrong, just a different kind of gate."

Castiel wasn't sure what Dean meant. "Different kind of gate?"

Dean's smile was back, insistently tugging his entire face upwards. "Yeah. Gait, g-a-i-t, is a term for the movement pattern of a horse, like walking or trotting. It's supposed to be a wordplay on the other gate, my dad came up with it." Dean gave a little laugh. "I guess it makes more sense if you know what it means, first."

"Oh." Castiel laughed nervously, covering up the embarrassment of having to ask. He had quite the extensive vocabulary, but wordplay and idioms had always been hard for him to grasp. Dean didn't seem to mind too much, though, which put Cas at ease a little bit.

"So, you wanted to show me your training, Dean?"

Dean straightened, rolling his shoulders. _God, those shoulders._ Cas watched, transfixed, as Dean's shirt tugged at his chest muscles, then returned his gaze to the other man's eyes when Dean spoke.

"Yep. Arena's in here, this way." Dean took Buttercup's bridle in one hand and pointed to a door on Cas's left with the other. Cas moved out of the way as Dean unlatched and opened the door, steering clear of Buttercup's back legs as he did so, just in case.

Dean flipped on a light switch, and the whir and hum of a generator started up. Castiel looked around at the huge space. There was a dusty, sand-like substance that stretched on all around him. There were three blue barrels set out in a triangular pattern, and a high ceiling that made Castiel feel very, very small. He must've shrank in on himself a bit, because he heard Dean chuckle. Cas looked up to say something more, to defend himself from embarrassment, but Dean was already leading his horse to a kind of little step in the corner of the arena. It reminded Castiel of those little stairs that people bought for when their old pets couldn't get onto furniture anymore.

Cas slowly trailed behind Dean, stopping to stand a few feet away from the block of stairs and then sitting in a plastic chair that was wedged up against the wall, presumably for visitors. Dean led Buttercup in front of the steps, climbing up on the other side. He then grasped the front of the saddle and swung his right leg gracefully over the horse's back, scootching his hips forward slightly and settling into the saddle.

The movement was so fluid, so easy, and Castiel found himself intrigued. It wasn't anything, though, compared to what Dean and Buttercup began to do next. Castiel vaguely heard Dean say something about a warm-up, but it looked so much smoother than just that. Cas kept his eyes trained as horse and rider seemed to work as one, Dean matching every sway of Buttercup's back with one of his own hips. They walked once around the arena together, then with a small click of Dean's tongue and a slight change in the way he was moving his hips, Buttercup broke into a trot. Castiel winced- Dean still looked at ease and in sync with the animal under him, but regardless, that looked uncomfortable. The bumpy trot didn't last long, though, and soon Cas had to remember to close his mouth as Buttercup was taking long strides, Dean practically _rolling_ his hips and most of his torso in time with the horse so he didn't jiggle around in the saddle. The whole thing was just so fluid, so beautiful, that Cas hardly noticed when Dean slowed Buttercup to a trot, then walk, and stopped her in front of Cas. Dean said something, but Castiel didn't hear. He sat there, mind blank, until Dean cleared his throat.

"Oh, my apologies, what?"

Dean laughed, repeating what he said. "I said, are you ready to see the fun part?"

Castiel gawked up at Dean. "Are you suggesting that what you just did wasn't...fun?" Castiel cringed at his lack of words, but Dean didn't seem to mind. He just smiled, nudging Buttercup and maneuvering her away from Cas and back to the side of the arena. Once again, Castiel was aware of his jaw wanting to hang open as Dean picked up speed, breaking Buttercup into a- _Canter? Gallop?_ Cas didn't know the difference, so he thought _run._ Dean broke Buttercup into a run. They started out with another lap around, then Dean began to lean forwards, lowering his hand that was holding the reins. Buttercup seemed to be cued by this, and she picked up her pace as Dean steered her towards the first of the plastic barrels in the arena. Cas wondered if Dean was going to miss it, but at the last second he and Buttercup jerked sideways, rounding the barrel tighter than Castiel thought should have been possible. The horse took a few awkward, choppy, fast strides to get her balance back, then she and Dean were shooting off towards the next barrel. Castiel noticed again how well Dean matched the horse. Her strides were huge, hooves reaching out impossibly far in front of her body, but Dean was sliding with each one, perfectly timed. It was like an intricate dance, and it was completely and utterly _beautiful_.

Castiel wasn't sure how long it took for Dean to complete the set. It could have been seconds, but it felt like time slowed down as he watched Dean. He wondered if it was like that for Dean while he was riding, if time slowed down. He didn't think too much into it, though, because soon Buttercup was slowing to a trot, then a walk, and they were coming over to Castiel. Both Dean and Buttercup were breathing hard, but that didn't stop Dean from smiling. It was a cheek-splitting smile, one that made heavy dimples appear. _Wow,_ Cas thought.

"So," Dean paused, catching his breath. "How'd we look?"

Castiel opened and closed his mouth. "Dean," he managed to finally choke out, "That was- that was _amazing_."

Dean laughed, smile growing impossibly larger. "Really?" He seemed almost giddy, squirming around in the saddle as he tried to meet Cas's eyes around his vantage point from behind Buttercup's head.

Castiel nodded eagerly. "Really. I don't think I've ever seen something that beautiful, you two work together exceptionally." He meant it, and locked eyes with Dean.

Dean blushed, his smile faltering into something of embarrassment. He scratched the back of his neck, something that Cas was starting to recognize as a nervous habit.

"So...you wouldn't mind sticking around until I'm done then?"

 

\-----

 

Cas stayed with Dean as he practiced a few more sets, finally giving in to stopping when, on the third try, he looked at his watch and found that he had finished the routine in 16 seconds. Cas wasn't aware of the significance of the time, but according to Dean it was their personal record.

"Cas, this is groundbreaking! I didn't think we'd get this fast until next spring, _earliest._ " Dean patted his horse fondly, untacking and brushing her down. "We're only a few seconds short of a spot in the district competition." Dean was beaming now, and Castiel still had no idea what he was talking about, but Dean was so excited that he just nodded and offered his congratulations.

Dean continued, gaining enthusiasm. "We've done little races, fairs and stuff, but district-" Dean took a deep breath, closing his eyes momentarily before flicking them open and locking them with Cas's. "I've wanted to compete in this race ever since I was in high school."

Cas smiled, rendered speechless by how excited Dean was about this. He admired Dean for how passionate he was about his horses, and it automatically made Dean even more attractive. The thought lingered in the back of Castiel's mind as he watched Dean slip off Buttercup's bridle in favor of a similar one that was cloth instead of leather- Cas wasn't sure what the difference between the two was, and he asked Dean.

"Oh." Dean looked surprised that Cas didn't know, and Castiel almost regretted asking. However, Dean seemed to enjoy talking about little things like this, and patiently explained. "This one's a halter, the leather one was a bridle. Bridles almost always have a bit- that's the little metal bar that goes in their mouth-and they're used for riding. Halters don't have a bit, and they're for leading the horse around and stuff like that, it's more comfortable for them." Dean smiled at Cas, who nodded slowly. He kind of understood, but he knew he'd forget it by tomorrow. That didn't change how he was grateful for the explanation, though; Cas knew plenty of guys who would have just laughed at him for asking and brushed him off.

Dean led Buttercup out of the barn and towards the paddocks, Castiel matching him stride for stride. The air was warm enough, but seeing as August was coming to an end, the crunch of dry leaves and slight nip in the air gave way that summer was drawing to an end. Castiel breathed in deeply, enjoying the way that the country air smelled. He unconsciously drifted a little bit closer to Dean as they walked, and their arms brushed just barely at their sides. Dean jumped and quickly retracted his arm, startling Castiel.

"Oh, ah, I'm sorry Dean, I didn't mean to." Castiel mumbled, staying back purposely for a stride so he and Dean wouldn't be directly next to each other. A small, apologetic grimace flashed across Dean's face, and he stopped walking for a moment, turning to face Castiel. He smiled weakly, then turned around, continuing with his pace.

" 's ok, get back up here, man." Dean motioned with his free hand to his side, and Castiel hurried to meet up with Dean again. They reached Buttercup's paddock, and Cas watched as Dean opened the gate expertly, using just his one hand, and turned the mare out. She stuck around as Dean fished through his pocket, pulling out a few little cubes of cut-up apple. Buttercup graciously took them, engulfing Dean's entire palm with her lips and licking up the last of the juice. Dean smiled, wiped his hands on his jeans, and gave her a little pat on the neck.

He turned away from the paddock gate, smiling as he made eye contact with Cas. Castiel returned his gaze, twice as intense. He was startled when he saw something flash across Dean's face, and he softened his gaze as not to seem too strong. Dean looked like he was going to say something, then hesitated. Castiel waited patiently, offering up a small smile to help move along whatever it had been Dean was about to say.

Dean finally did speak, looking down at his feet. "Um, since you drove all the way out here, do you maybe wanna, um, come inside for a bit or something?"

Castiel felt warmth in his chest, but also confusion. Dean had been giving him mixed signals the entire duration of their visit. Castiel wished he would just give him a clear sign, something to define their relationship- friends or otherwise. Instead of voicing this, though, he just nodded. "Yes, I'd like that, thank you."

Castiel's heart wrenched as Dean showed that beautiful smile again. He wanted nothing more than to know what that smile would feel like against his own lips, but he quickly chased the thought from his mind. He was determined to respect Dean's decisions, even _if_ that meant biting his tongue and fervently thinking of baseball whenever their proximity became too close.

The two men made their way up to Dean's house, kicking off their shoes at the door and traipsing into the kitchen. Castiel sat down at the counter, reserved with the space he took up. Dean washed his hands at the sink, then poured them each a glass of iced tea. Castiel accepted graciously, thanking him as Dean sat down in the chair adjacent to Cas's.

Castiel cleared his throat, turning to Dean. "Thank you for inviting me over today, Dean. It was very interesting to see what kind of riding you do, and although I don't have much background knowledge with the subject, you're very good."

Dean smiled. "Thanks, but Buttercup's got a lot to do with it, too. Like I said, ain't never seen a horse that wants it as bad as she does."

 _Humble,_ Castiel thought. "Yes, but you trained her," he pointed out, making Dean blush. "Besides, you seem to want it, too. You pair well with her."

Dean smiled, looking down into his tea like it would give him ideas on what to say next. Castiel felt the awkward silence that normally accompanied his and Dean's gatherings settling over them, and although Castiel didn't mind it, he knew that Dean did. He was just about to make a comment on last night, to thank Dean, when he noticed the other man hesitating like he was about to say something. Castiel waited, anticipation building in his stomach. Dean suddenly snapped his eyes up to meet Castiel's, resolute clear in his gaze. Cas didn't even have time to register how gorgeous it looked, because Dean was blurting out a question that caught Cas totally by surprise.

"Are you gay?"

Castiel blinked, raising his eyebrows and straightening his posture in surprise. Dean seemed to have just realized what he'd said, and began to open and close his mouth. He made a little choking sound and started to stand up. "Look, I didn't mean to- I'm sorry if I...Oh god, I'm such an-"

"Yes." Castiel calmly cut Dean off, picking up his tea and swirling the ice cubes around in his glass before taking a sip. Dean didn't necessarily look surprised by the answer, but more by the fact that Castiel _had_ answered. Castiel held his breath, watching Dean's face for any clues of where this was going. He was half expecting Dean to politely ask him to leave, but when Dean spoke next it was quieter, a bit lower, and a lot more hesitant.

"How, uh...how did you know?"

Castiel wondered if he'd heard Dean correctly. He looked up to Dean's eyes, and was taken aback when he found fear hidden there. Dean was biting his lip nervously, but Castiel just stared. _What do I tell him?_ Sure, he liked Dean, but he didn't know if they were necessarily close enough yet for him to tell Dean about his childhood, moreover _that_ part of it.

"Um...Listen, Dean-" Castiel felt guilt settling in his gut as he saw hurt in Dean's eyes. The hurt quickly turned guarded, and Dean set his jaw, standing up and taking both of their teas over to the sink. 

Cas stood up, taking a step forwards. "Dean-"

Dean cut him off, still facing the sink. "Never mind. Forget I asked." He turned now, facing Castiel. Cas swallowed nervously, wishing he could take back the last thirty seconds. Dean took a deep breath, looking pointedly towards the door. "I'll see you round, Cas." His voice was laced with something that Castiel couldn't decipher, but he took the cue.

"Thank you for having me, Dean." He put on his shoes and slipped out into the evening, walking down to the barn where he had parked his car.

As he drove home, his thoughts jumbled together at an alarming rate. Cas stayed focused until he reached his and Gabriel's driveway. He let the thoughts run wild now, picking through them to the best of his abilities, stopping when one stood out in particular.

_How do I fix this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry for how long it took me to update this! I'm finally on spring break, so you can expect another chapter some time within the week! I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story so far, and thank you for reading!


	6. Little walks and Park bench talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Ok so fair warning, this chapter has some pretty heavy stuff, especially surrounding homophobia and coming out in an unsafe environment. If that's a no-no for you, skip to a few paragraphs after the italicized part (although you'll miss some plot-pertinent things).

Dean didn't move.

He stayed where he had been when Cas left, hunched over the kitchen sink. His breathing was ragged, the scene that had unfolded before him only minutes ago setting in. A clock on the wall somewhere behind him ticked, revealing the time that passed with him just staying like that, stunned.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

Something inside of Dean snapped, and he turned, reeling, to fling a glass of iced tea across the room at the clock. It missed its mark wildly, but Dean didn't care. It felt good to break things, to lose control. He was so angry with himself that he let the shaky rage and fear take over,and smashed the other glass against the wall as well. He whipped around to the sink again, gripping the countertop and looking out the window. His eyes settled on Buttercup, and an overwhelming reminder of his father filled his senses.

It had been like that a lot when John had first died. Dean had hardly been able to look at the barn, let alone his dad's old horse. Even the name of the stable, that _stupid_ pun that Castiel had mentioned, reminded Dean of John. As time had passed, it'd gotten better. Dean had started to see the facility and Buttercup as his own, not as just something his dad had left behind for him. Sometimes, though, he felt like he could never escape his father's ideals for him, even after his death. Now was one of those times, Dean thought, as he turned around and slumped to the floor.

His dad would be so incredibly pissed right now.

John had been a very religious, very conservative man. Most people wouldn't have thought it, what with the way he drank and cursed, but where he lacked faith in that area he made up for in others. John had been a very strong believer in the whole _a_ _man who sleeps with another man deserves to go to hell._ Dean hadn't known this about his father for most of his childhood- he hadn't needed to talk about it, seeing as he'd never had interest in guys as a kid, and it never came up in conversation. The reality would be harshly thrown upon Dean, as it turned out, near the end of his junior year of high school.

~

_Dean's best friend, Charlie, was gay. She'd never hidden it from Dean, always trusting him with her secrets ever since they were little kids. Charlie's parents, however, were a different story. Dean knew that when Charlie had said she was finally going to come out to them, it wouldn't be pretty. He never could have imagined them throwing her out though, and the anger and surprise hit him like a ton of bricks when Charlie called him. His phone rang twice before he answered._

_"Hello?"_

_"Dean, oh god, Dean-" There was crying on the other side of the line, frantic, shaky breaths._

_"Who- Charlie? What's wrong?" Dean rose from his spot on the couch, his dad giving him an inquisitive stare. Sam continued reading, not bothered by the exchange._

_"My parents...they...they-" Charlie was cut off by a choked sob, then there was silence._

_"Charlie?"_

_"They kicked me out, Dean."_

_"Shit....Charlie where are you? Do you have a car?" Dean was pacing now, moving into his room to avoid the scrutiny of his family._

_"Yes, I took my car and whatever I could fit in my duffel." Charlie seemed a little bit calmer, breath still shaking but he couldn't hear any more sobs._

_"Come over. You can stay here at least for the night, we'll figure out the rest tomorrow." Dean was relieved by the exhale he heard._

_"Ok. Thank you." The line went dead, and Dean stepped back into the living room, skirting around his brother who was sprawled out on the floor. John looked at him, curious, and took a sip of the whiskey from the glass that he had in his hand._

_"Who was that?" Dean stopped and faced his father, knowing he'd be better off telling the truth. He opened his mouth, but all that came out was a squeak, so he cleared his throat and tried again._

_"That was Charlie. Dad, she...Her parents kicked her out. I told her she could stay here for a little, if that's ok?" He trailed off, realizing that he wasn't actually sure if his dad would allow a girl to spend the night with Dean. Well, it wasn't like anything was going to_ happen, _anyways._

_John took another sip of his whisky, nodding his head slightly. "Why'd they kick her out?"_

_Dean watched his father's face for any sign of what he might be thinking, but found nothing. "She, uh...she told them that she's gay."_

_Silence. Dean saw John clench and unclench his jaw, and he suddenly felt nervous, aware that he didn't know where his father stood on the subject._

_"Tell her to stay somewhere else." Dean whipped his head around so fast he almost winced at the pain in his neck. Sam was staring now, too, at their father. Both boys let their jaws hang open._

_"Are you joking? Dad, she just got freaking_ thrown out. _"_

_John lifted his head and matched his son's gaze. "Do you see me laughing? Tell her. To stay. Somewhere else. I don't need a fag staying around my boys."_

_Dean nearly choked. He felt rage threatening to spill over, his vision going blotchy. Setting his jaw, he rushed for the door, slamming it on his way out._

_When Charlie arrived, Dean was waiting on the porch. He hugged her, made her get in the passenger seat, and drove her to the house of another one of their close friends, Pamela. Dean ended up staying the night there, too, not able to face his dad yet._

_~_

Dean had never forgiven his father. He'd also lost the rest of the already waning respect he'd had for him after what he'd said about Charlie.

The whole turn of events that had happened that night was awful. Charlie had been lucky that Pamela's parents were more accepting than John, and Dean had been grateful for that, too. It had never affected him so personally until now, though, knowing that his dad would _hate_ what he was even considering right now. He'd hate that he was having feelings for another man, _hate_ that he'd thought about being with Cas, about kissing him. Dean didn't even realize it, but he was fumbling for his phone. Before he knew it, the line was ringing, and Sam was picking up.

" _Hey Dean, what's up?"_

Dean slumped further in upon himself. He absolutely loathed that he was calling Sam for help or advice or _whatever,_ but he didn't know what else to do. "Hey, Sammy...I...I-" Dean pulled the phone away from his mouth, cursing as he felt a sob shutter its way through his body.

Sam seemed worried now, and Dean could hear faint rustling on the other end. " _Dean? What's wrong? Where are you?"_ It sounded eerily familiar to the conversation he'd had with Charlie all those years ago, and the thought made Dean start to fall apart even faster, hands shaking as he held the phone up to his mouth. He spoke quieter this time, knowing that his voice was probably cracking, but not finding it in him to care.

"I'm at home, but...Sam, I need-" Dean choked on another wet sob, "I need you to come over. _Please. Hurry."_

Dean listened as the rustling sound picked up on the other side of the line, Sam's breathing becoming more erratic. 

_"Shit, Dean, ok, hold on. Just hold on for like, fifteen minutes, alright? Can you do that for me?"_

Normally Dean would have been indignant about the way Sam's word choice made him feel so childish, but right then it was what he needed, and he nodded absently. "Yeah...yeah."

_"Ok. I'm going to hang up now Dean, ok? I'll be there as soon as I can."_

The apartment that Sam was staying in for the summer wasn't far, and as promised, he got there in about fifteen minutes. Dean watched as Sam burst through the door, breathing heavily. He swiveled his head around, looking for Dean.

"Dean? Where are you?" His brother's view of Dean must have been obstructed by the counter, and Dean weakly called out.

"Over here." It was barely a croak, but it was enough for Sam to be rushing over to his side, kneeling down next to him. Dean couldn't stop himself, soon he was reaching out, fisting his hands into Sam's shirt and crying on his shoulder. Sam tentatively patted Dean's shoulder, letting him sob for several moments before he gently held Dean away from him at arm's length.

"Dean...what the hell happened?" Sam's eyes held worry, and it made Dean feel guilty enough to wish he'd just _figured it out_ on his own. It was too late for that now, though; Sam had already seen him crying harder than he had probably since their dad had died. The thought of John sent another shudder racking through Dean, but he composed himself long enough to begin to talk to Sam. _Shit, what am I even going to say?_ Dean winced; this was going to be harder than he'd thought.

"Sammy...do you remember that night? With Charlie?"

Sam immediately set his jaw, almost bristling. "Yeah. How could I forget?" Sam looked down at his hands, then back up at Dean, guarded expression changing to confused. "Dean, I just- what does that have to do with this?"

Dean exhaled shakily, leaning his head against the cabinet below the sink. His tailbone was starting to go numb from sitting on the floor for so long, and he shifted, pulling his legs up to his chest.

"He said...he called her a fag, Sam. He- he hated-" Dean couldn't finish the thought, instead burying his face into his knees. He felt Sam's hand rest carefully on his shoulder, then braced himself as he felt his brother tense up.

When Sam spoke it was quieter, more reserved, like he was trying not to frighten a wounded animal. "Dean, whatever it is...you can tell me. You know that, right?"

Dean lifted his head, looking not at Sam but at the wall behind him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing._

"Sam-" It felt like there was a literal blockage in his throat, and there was a long pause while Dean tried to get the words out. "I think I might like guys, too."

And that was it. He might as well have just pulled his heart out and laid it down in front of Sam, because it probably would have felt the same. He was reduced to sobs in an instant, crying and latching onto Sam again. He felt Sam hugging back, but it was all so fuzzy through the fogginess of his tears that Dean felt like he was watching it through someone else's eyes.

Dean wasn't sure how long he cried for, and he definitely could have gone on for longer had Sam not interrupted him.

"Dean." Sam was trying to get his attention, but Dean was too afraid of what his brother might say to bother looking up. Sam was insistent, though, and Dean had no choice but to pull away, lip still quivering.

He was surprised to find Sam's face streaked with a few tear trails himself when they finally met eyes.

"Dean, why did you think you couldn't tell me?" The response took Dean totally by surprise, and he felt his mouth fall open in disbelief.

"You're not- you're not mad?" Dean managed to gasp out. Sam looked horrified at the suggestion, and made a tiny noise of surprise.

"Mad? How could I be _mad_ at you? Dean, as long as you're happy..." He trailed off, something like realization crossing his face. "Oh my god...you didn't think you could because....what Dad said to Charlie..."

Dean nodded feebly. "He'd hate me, Sammy."

Apparently Sam didn't have anything to say to that, because they both knew that a _c'mon, no he wouldn't_ would just be lying. He instead pulled Dean into a hug, comforting him without words. The relief that Dean felt had his fear ebbing away a little bit, but he still could hardly believe himself. He'd said the words out loud- that made it seem so real now, and he knew he'd have to face it head-on.

 _Another time._ Sam pulled Dean up to his feet, walking them towards Dean's room. It was late enough to be acceptable to go to bed, and after all that crying Dean felt like he could sleep for a week. Sam vowed to stay on the pull-out bed in the living room, and Dean didn't even have it in him to argue that _he'd be fine_.

Through the haze of sleep setting in, Dean was dimly aware of the sounds of glass being swept up in the kitchen. He'd totally forgotten about the tea glasses he'd hurled against the wall, but it sounded like Sam had it under control. _Sam._ He was so relieved that Sam wasn't like their dad that he could almost start crying all over again, but he reminded himself of his _no chick-flick moments_ rule. The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was the irony of that statement, and Dean was almost sure that he'd wake up with the laughter still on his lips.

 

\-----

 

A week passed and Dean still hadn't heard from Cas. He'd vowed to let the other man have space, and refused to be the one to _text back first,_ despite all of Sam's pleas to just grow a pair and do it. (Sam still thought Dean and Cas were _just friends,_ because although Dean had come out to him, talking about crushes was still too weird). Instead, Dean busied himself with his barrel racing, training almost every day with Buttercup so they could make it to the district competition the following spring. It was a long shot, but Dean was optimistic. Besides, he didn't want to miss this year's race by _just a hair_ and have to wait until the next year to participate.

The days flew by. Another week was gone. Dean was starting to worry that he'd lost him entirely, that he'd been so rude that Cas wouldn't want to see him anymore. He was starting to seriously doubt his _never text first_ rule.

At the end of the second week though, Dean got a text. He'd been inside, calculating the prices of all of the maintenance and services of that month, when his phone buzzed.

_[Cas] -I was in tenth grade. My science partner was gorgeous._

Dean squinted at the phone, reading and rereading the message. _What the hell?_ _Two weeks without a peep, and then he tells me about some guy in high school?_

_[Sent] -What?_

He waited, chewing nervously on the pen he'd been doing his work with.

_[Cas] -You asked how I knew when I was gay. I never answered you._

Dean put the phone down and exhaled, leaning back in his chair.

_[Sent] -Right. About that, I'm sorry. I was being a jerk, I had a lot on my mind._

He cringed at the way his text made it sound like he was trying to justify the way he'd acted towards Cas, but it was already sent.

_[Sent] -I'm not tryn' to defend myself here, though._

He twitched his nose. Now he just sounded desperate. Luckily, Cas was a fast typer, and the reply came quickly.

_[Cas] -It's forgotten, Dean._

Dean relaxed, but it was short lived as the ellipses that told him Cas wasn't done appeared.

_[Cas] -Would I be out of line if I asked why you'd wanted to know?_

Biting his lip, Dean shifted in his chair. Cas had a right to know why Dean had been a dick to him, but he'd still only just admitted to himself and Sam that he might swing both ways. The thought of seeing Cas, though, sent a little flare of excitement up his spine that was enough to staunch the doubt, and he quickly texted a reply.

_[Sent] -Nah, that's not outta line. Can we meet somewhere? It might be easier in person._

Castiel's reply came a few minutes later.

_[Cas] -Of course. I'm free this afternoon and Thursday._

_[Sent] -This afternoon sounds fine. Can I pick you up?_

_[Cas] -Yes._

Dean wanted to jump up and give someone a high five, but he settled for a fist pump. It was only noon, the promise of the afternoon seeming to stretch out much farther away than Dean wished it would be. He finished the finances and was struck with the fear of confiding in Cas, realizing that since they both liked guys, there would technically be nothing in the way of a relationship. Unless Cas didn't like him back in _that way_. Dean shuddered and repressed the thought, willing the hours to go by faster.

 

\-----

 

Dean decided that four was an acceptable time to classify as 'afternoon', and drove nervously over to Gabriel and Cas's house, making sure to ask Benny to do the chores on the farm for that night. He waited in his car when he arrived, tugging nervously at the cuffs of his flannel. He'd rehearsed what he was going to say to Cas in his head a million times, but he was starting to regret not having a backup plan.

Dean sighed and got out of his car, hastily knocking on the door. Castiel answered, and Dean felt the familiar tingle in his cheeks that signified he was blushing. He hoped it wasn't too obvious, but _damn,_ at least he had a reason. Castiel looked like he'd just gotten out of the shower, hair wet and disheveled. He was wearing a pair of jeans with a white button down shirt that he had rolled up to the elbows. He smiled when he saw Dean, running a hand along the front of his chest to smooth out a wrinkle in the fabric.

"Hello, Dean." His voice was more gravelly than Dean had remembered.

"Hey, Cas. Long time no see." It wasn't meant to sound mean, but Dean saw Cas's smile falter slightly and regretted his word choice. He looked at Cas again, catching his gaze. "So, you uh...wanna go for a walk or something?"

Dean knew it sounded lame, but Cas just smiled. "Of course. There's a park just down this street we could make our way towards."

Dean nodded, stepping back as Cas closed the door and joined him on the porch. They walked together, and this time when their elbows brushed, Dean didn't look away. He pretended to not see the surprised look Cas sent his way.

They got a little more than a block away when Cas spoke up.

"So..." It was open-ended, curious, like Cas didn't want to say the wrong thing. Dean felt his heart speed up, the weight of the impending conversation heavy on his shoulders. He stopped walking, and turned to face a very unsure-looking Cas.

"Listen, I'm really sorry I snapped at you last time." Cas slowly tilted his head, watching Dean, who continued talking.

"I-" There it was again, the lump in his throat. Dean swallowed desperately a few times while Cas waited patently for him to continue, steady gaze trained on Dean. He sighed and tried again. "The thing is- I like you, Cas." Dean closed his eyes tight and kept going, afraid of what he might find on Cas's face. "And I've never...uh, I've never felt that way about a guy before. I kinda needed to figure some stuff out, I'm sorry I was such a dick about it."

Dean finally risked a glance at Cas, and found the other man staring at him in shock. His mouth was hanging slightly open and his eyes were trained on Dean, and Dean wished he'd just say something, _anything._

"Cas?"

"You...you like me?" Cas finally snapped out of his surprise, but was looking at Dean now with disbelief. Dean scratched the back of his neck, looking down.

"Yeah. Uh, kind of a lot."

Cas furrowed his brow. "I thought you were straight...I was...confused, to say the least, when you invited me to your house. I didn't think..." he trailed off, shaking his head. At that point, Dean was beginning to panic. He felt his pulse quicken and regret creep its way down his bloodstream, filling his entire body with the sensation that he needed to run. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a sharp gasp. Dean clamped his mouth shut again, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and pointer finger.

Dean felt a hand come up to tap feebly at his shoulder, and he forced his eyes open. Cas was looking at him with an expression that was indecipherable, but there was something frantic in his eyes that kept Dean from looking away. Dean drew in a huge gulp of air and swallowed, a mechanical gesture.

"Dean..." Cas withdrew his hand, but didn't step away. "Dean, we-"

Dean cut him off, rushing the beginnings of an apology off of his lips. Cas shook his head quickly, holding up a hand to stop Dean.

"No, Dean, stop. That's not what I meant." Cas let his hand fall to his side again, then continued. "We need to talk about this."

 _Talking. About feelings._ The thought repulsed Dean, and under any other circumstance he would have barked out a laugh and called it a day. Now, however, the shock of the confession he'd made just moments ago left him feeling too vulnerable, too real. He just nodded, following as Cas motioned to a bench just up the sidewalk where the park began. He sat down, scooting over to make enough room, plus a little extra, for Dean.

Dean sat down, and stole a sideways glance at Cas. The other man had his hand over his mouth and chin, and he looked...upset. Not necessarily in a bad way, but Dean could tell that he had definitely stirred up Cas's emotions.

"Dean, are you...how are you doing?" Cas had removed his hand from his face and was looking intently at Dean. Dean almost choked on the amount of air that he had sucked in, and when he replied his voice came out squeaky,

"Seriously?  _You_ want to ask how I'm doing?" Dean felt like screaming, but Cas hastily shook his head, then returned his gaze to Dean.

"I mean, are you ok? Realizing that you like men is...It can be difficult, and everyone handles it differently." _Oh._ Cas looked genuinely concerned, but Dean didn't spend too much time focused on that. He leaned down and put his elbows on his knees, then rested his head in his hands. Cas's breathing remained for the most part steady beside Dean, from what he could hear, but it didn't stop Dean's heart from feeling like it was going to jackhammer its way out of his chest.

Dean fought with himself for a second longer before deciding that saying he was fine wasn't going to cut it with Castiel. He exhaled shakily, but didn't lift his head.

"I dunno...not really." Dean scrunched his eyes closed, willing himself not to cry, not in front of Cas. He knew they would be hot, angry tears that would do nothing but upset himself more.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Dean. Is there-" Cas's voice sounded close to a whisper, and when he paused Dean could almost feel the hesitation radiating from him. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Dean coughed out a short laugh, because the irony was almost too much for him. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry or shout. Cas must've realized this too, because the other man was stiffening up beside Dean.

"I'm sorry, Dean- I didn't- " Cas took a breath and composed himself before continuing. "I realize that this is very... _new_ to you," The words came out polished, like Castiel was afraid he was going to say the wrong thing again. "-but Dean...you have to understand that before you do anything with another person-" Dean lifted his head, looking at Cas with watery eyes. "-you have to be ok with yourself, and what being with them will mean for you. Even if..." Cas trailed off, looking down and losing the conviction of his speech.

"Even if what?" Dean was looking across the bench to Cas, desperately trying to track anything that could appear on the other man's face. Cas swallowed with an audible click before continuing.

"Even if the other person wants it, too." Castiel had said it so quietly that Dean almost thought he hadn't heard correctly. He let Cas's words sink in, but he found nervousness overwhelming the initial excitement.

"Cas, I don't get- what do you mean?" Dean turned his body towards Cas so that he could better face him.

Cas wrung his hands together, delaying his answer. "I mean..." the hesitance was tangible, and Cas's shoulders almost sagged with it. "...you need to figure out what this means for you, Dean. Because there's no way this would work unless you're comfortable with what being in a relationship with a man would mean. Emotionally." He added quickly, when Dean's eyes widened a bit. "If you need someone to talk to about... _anything_ with coming out and realizing things...of course I'm here for you. But- you understand why you have to be-" Cas made a vague gesture with his hands, trying and failing to find the right words, "-you have to be ok first. Ok with yourself."

After Cas finished, he looked at Dean with eyes that seemed too sad and tired to be on someone so young, like this hurt him just as much as it did Dean. Dean couldn't do much more than nod, a new lump forming in his throat and fresh tears hot behind his eyes.

"Yeah...I- I think..." Dean continued to nod, unable to form the rest of his sentence. "Yeah."

Cas mirrored Dean, then stood up slowly. "It might be best if we take a few days to, ah, think about this. For us both to..." Cas seemed to be having trouble speaking now as well, and after several attempts and a lot of swallowing, he placed his hand briefly on Dean's shoulder.

"I'll see you soon, Dean." Cas left Dean to sit on the park bench, and returned back towards Gabe's house.

It might have been Dean's nearly tear-foggy mind, but Cas seemed to be dragging his feet a bit, shoulders less straight than Dean had ever seen, as he walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY ITS BEEN LIKE 3 MONTHS I PROMISE IM STILL WRITING


End file.
